WHERE'S WALDO?

Something cray-cray just happened... Ben Connor Barrie, the esteemed (and at times full of steam…sorry, I couldn’t resist) editor of DamnArbor.com contacted the staff at A2Gastronoy.com to request an interview. In the process he called A2GastroBoy "the only significant anaoymous Internet personality in the area." Wha-WHAT?  You heard me..."SIGNIFIGANT!" I’m SIGNIFNCANT! Now my mother can finally get over the fact that I never went to med school.

That event inspired this post.  Enjoy.

WARNING: Let me save you the trouble and acknowledge that this is a total vanity piece; an egomaniacal masturbation. If you enjoy masturbation (and who doesn’t?!) read on. If you’re a frigid Protestant please click away.

“Anonymous?!” I know exactly who I am

It was bound to happen… in fact some may say this this issue's been a long time coming.

I've spent the last two years blogging, tweeting, checking in on Foursquare, iTapped, Instagram, yada, yada, yada...basically galavanting around the interwebs under the cloak of anonymity, free from recourse. Yes, my close frineds are in on the secret, but the majority of folks "liking" me and responding to my posts have no ideas who the hell I am.

So what gives? Who is A2GastroBoy? Why don't I use my real name?  The long answer is complicated. The short answer is "nunya"...AKA "None Ya damn business" (not to be confused with "fumunda").

First of all, be careful of what you ask for…I’m 100% convinced that my alter-ego is ten-fold more interesting than my true identity. Appreciate what you’ve got.

What’s more selfishly relevant is that while the first amendment protects my right to post this drivel, it does not defend me against ridicule. I live in a glass house. I’m pretty darn sure that a few biographical facts about yours truly would become fodder for taunting derision. I deal with enough ass holes in my daily travails. I don’t need to invite more. And let’s face it, most of the folks who read and write blogs are ass holes, right? Obviously, present company excluded.

Sarcastic bullshit aside, it warms my cold heart that some of you folks want to know who the heck I am. I've come to relish my online peeps. I've made some genuine "e-friends" with folks like @DamnArbor. @A2serindipity is my ‘brother from another mother.’ The wife of @satchels shares my passion for helping our public schools. @A2Jess is my restaurant-choosing Bobbsey twin and @psa2 cracks me up with her genuine concern for lesser species.

I have, at times, had a desire to connect with these folks IRL (that’s ‘in real life’ folks). At the same time, I have also been creeped out by a stalker on Foursquare who tried to pick me out of a crowd. Ultimately this is a hobby and not a vocation so I’ve decided to remain hidden within the uncomplicated cloak of ananymity.  My identity is a “need to know” fact…it’s just that most of all-y’all don’t need to know.

All that said, I thought it only civil to open the kimono a wee bit (not that there’s anything ‘wee’ behind the kimono). I thought I’d save @DamnArbor the effort of developing questions and conduct my own auto-biographical interview. For extra credit points I’m included a few candid photos from the A2GastroBoy archives. This is for Ben. Enjoy.

Twenty Questions With A2GastrBoy

(Please note, these are also fabulous conversation starters at your next dinner party)

Q1: Name 5 celebrities you’d most enjoy having to a dinner party

1. Uncontested MC & Social Commentator: Jon Stewart. If you have to question this selection you are officially banished from this site.
2. Comic Relief: Louie CK. Yes, he’s the man of the hour and I feel like a “me too” poser choosing him. Still, the man is genius. The fact that he’s cast Pamela Adlon as his love interest in two separate shows is just icing.
3. Most Desirous Rich Friend (and Inspiring Entrepreneur): Sir Richard Branson
4. Fiery Estrogen (and voted most likely to bring pot): Sandra Bernhard
5. Token Person of Color: Baratunde Thurston (Look him up; I’m allowed to call him black because I bought his book)

• Cheating Extra Credit Invite: To skirt the limit of five invites I’d “hire” Mayor Hawthorne or Bruno Mars as a musical guest.

Q2: Same question, Dead People…

Yuck…creepy

Q3: OK, no dead People. TV or Film Characters…

1. The entire cast of Californication (Hank Moody if you force me to pick one)
2. Tim Riggins (with Buddy Garrity as his designated driver)
3. Larry David (his fictional persona)
4. Eli Gold
5. Warwick Davis (again, his TV persona)

Where would you host it?

The roof-top patio at Big Georges. It's Ann Arbor's best kept secret. 

Who would cook? 

Damn good question. I'd like to say [James Beard Foundation Award Winning Chef]  Alex Young, but I'm sure to get called a faboy. If not Alex Chef Thad Gillies (Logan). 

"[apprentice] Chef GastrBoy" circa 1991Q4: What’s your Favorite Nickname?

I’ve always lamented that the simpler URL“GastroBoy.com” was taken (don’t bother checking it out, some lame squatter is sitting on it). As much as I cherish and identify with my geographic community, adding “A2” to the front of GastrBoy creates and awkward mouthful. I’ve been playing around with a few ways to abbreviate my nom de plume. After a particularly aggressive craft beer tasting some folks started calling me “Gassy.” I’m officially voting against to G-Boy. I’m open to suggestions. Just don’t call me late to dinner.

Q5: Are you secretly a chick posing as a dude?

HA! I laugh in your general direction. While I’ve been accused of blood-letting on a moon cycle, you can rest assured that I am ALL BOY. If you really have to ask you’re clearly not a qualified A2GastroBoy reader. Move on.

Q6: You’ve been accused of being well written. You’ve also been accused of being a Snarky Douche Bag. What’s your opinion?

 I enjoy writing. I have a sister who’s a writer by vocation. She inspires me to pursue the craft. Ironically, I also have a sister who’s an English teacher. You’d think I’d be a better speller and grammerist. To be considered well-written is a massive compliment.

Douche bag? Well I don’t mind if I do.    I prefer the term satirist, albeit I’m still learning to navigate the fine line between satire and sarcasm. Do I at times offend? Perhaps. Is it malicious? No. In the immortal words of Sergeant Hulka, “Lighten Up Francis.”

"Rock Star GastroBoy" Circa 1989Q7: Who’s your favorite Author?

SNARKY ANSWER: I came of age in a cohort that judged others entirely based on the contents of their bookshelf and album collection. I refuse to willingly expose myself to such scrutiny.

A: TRUE ANSWER: I have horrible ADD. I can’t concentrate long enough to read fiction. 99% of my reading happens in Flipboard. That said, I try to get through almost everything published by Douglas Coupland, Nick Hornby, David Sedaris….And my sister. I also just bought the new book by local boy Dave Rothbart. Four pages in and I’ve already laughed out loud. I’m looking forward to finishing it over the holidays.

Q8: What’s the most embarrassing Fact about A2GastroBoy

I've never enjoyed Bob Dylan OR Neil Young. Also, despite the stern counsel of my sisters I still wear [Dansko] man clogs in public.

Q9: Do you secretly work at, or own a local restaurant?

If you consider pretending to enjoy myself work, than yes, I work at many local eateries. If you’re referring to the header on my W-2 I’ll disclose that I derive my income in a much less scrupulous pursuit…I’m a marketer. To lend credential to my critiquing qualifications, you should also know that I HAVE worked in MANY restaurants. Young GastroBoy had delusions of gradeur as a rock star. At that time I paid the bills working both front and back-of the house resturant gigs.  I even went so far as to consider attending the CIA. In the end, I choose dining over cooking, sold-out and went to B-School. 

Q10: Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is (RE: open a restaurant)?

Frankly, I’m too damn lazy.  It’s a long, hard, thankless job.  Add to that the fact that I have a low tolerance for assholes and you’ll come to appreciate that I am not very well suited for the service industry.  Finally, I like money too much. While I have endless gratitude for those who do, given the current status of my financial portfolio, owning a restaurant is not a prudent investment.

 "Sweater Vest GastroBoy" Work'n for the Man circa Y2K

Q11: If you DID own a restaurant, what would it be?

Lately I've been crushing on Vinsetta Garage in Royal Oak. I grew-up "Motor City" and that building has forever been a favorite visual icon. I'm in love with the aesthetic. When I heard it was being converted to a restaurant I was overcome with equal parts excitement ad jealously. I've heard it's wonderful. Unforturantely it takes a hell of a lot to make me willingly venture all the way to Oakland County. I've also become obeseed with a group in Madison, WI called the Underground Food Collective. Imagine Selma meets the Grange and they birthed a 'joint" called the Fore1/4 (forequater). I love the idea of a supper club that has the culinary grace of Alice Waters and the social sensibilities of a VFW hall. 

Q12: What’s a random fact about you that readers would find interesting?

 “I can eat 50 eggs.”

I’m not sure it’s interesting, but I’ve collecting wine corks and beer caps since 1995. I literally have bags of them in my basement awaiting a yet-to-be-determined art project. Perhaps when I retire I’ll sell bottle-cap checker-board sets at Art Fair.  I also aspire to collect silver spoons from travel gift shops.

Q13: You obsess on food. Why don’t you consider yourself a Foodie or Culinarian?

If you pay attention to my writing you’ll come to appreciate that I don’t really obsess on food. Food is just a sub-set of my OCD. Let me explain it like this… last weekend I had to tell my nine-year old nephew why I don’t keep Kosher.  While I hadn’t previously articulated it as such, my response was that “I can’t keep Kosher because I keep Sicilian.”

Huh? Like Judaism, food is an integral part of my cultural heritage.  That said, it’s not the critical attribute. Put another way, it’s a vehicle, not a destination.  Yes I love food, but more than food I love dining. I love breaking bread. I love the experience of sharing that experience with others. That’s why I don’t consider myself a foodie. It’s not really about the food. And frankly, the propensity of any fanatic, be it “Foodies” or sports junkies, to engage in an endless esoteric debate over nuance is utterly exhausting. I don’t have the time of day to learn the name of the cheese maker’s dog. Just pass me the formage!  

Q14: What’s your Biggest Regret?

That I can’t skateboard. I have the balance of a defective weeble-wobble. Still I support the Ann Arbor Skate Park. I even bought a brick. I can’t wait to hang out and watch the cool kids tear it up.

"Sport Fishn GastroBoy" this very summer; coincidentally, that fish is called a "Mullet" Q15: What’s your proudest accomplishment?

Frankly, getting through undergrad without a DUI. Though, the fact that gets the most mileage is when I admit that there’s a Zingerman’s sandwich named after me.

Q16: Explain your Blog’s design. Why is ‘Dog Love’ such a stagnant hole?

Here’s the good news, my site is open to the public. Here’s the bad news, my site is open to the public. When I first designed the site I had visions of grandeur. I wanted separate sections for different categories of content. I also wanted to create a gallery for art and photography.  Unfortunately my ideas often exceed my capacity to execute or maintain. Today the front page [blog] is the only section that gets regular attention. Every blue moon I find time and motivation to update photos or links.

Q17: Why don’t you post more often? And what happened to your “small plates” posts?

This is a tough question because it incited personal angst.  While I LOVE the idea of sharing more, I simply don’t have the time to be consistent. Earlier this year I experimented with posting interesting content form the interwebs on the off-weeks. I called them “small plates.” My self-imposed rules for such content made it more work than pleasure so I’ve done away with it. I’m playing around with an idea for next year that will allow me to do both long-form feature articles and short-form blurbs. In the mean time you can follow my twitter feed for a few amuse bouche.

Q18: What’s your favorite restaurant in Ann Arbor?

For the record – I HATE this question. I liken it to asking a parent which child is their favorite.  In every case there’s an answer, but it’s entirely uncouth to admit it.  My “polished” answer is simply to say, “there’s many fine restaurants in Ann Arbor, each with its own niche in my heart.” The easier questions are what’s your favorite Brunch, quick lunch, celebratory meal, or guilty pleasure. I have much faster responses to those queries.

"Gastro-Tourism GastroBoy" visiting the now extinguished "Eternal Flame" of Garlic, Gilroy, CA circa 2001 

Q19: If you HAD to choose, would you rather be blind, deaf or dwarf? (for the record, I had already drafted my response to question 20 when my brother-in-law posed this question on Thanksgiving).

DEAF! My grandfather wore hearing aids. Whenever he got sick of listening to my grandmother he’d turn down the volume. I’ve been jealous ever since.

Q20: FINAL QUESTION…What’s your biggest fear or phobia?

The return of Squares restaurant. Beyond that, midgets. DON’T LAUGH PEOPLE – I’M BEARING MY SOLE HERE.  (And yes, I now know that the socially correct term is “little people.”)

Let me first of all publically thank the producers at TLC. Due to their show “Little People, Big World” I’ve learned to confront my fear and be a stronger person.  As proof, let me explain that I’ve since watched Warwick Davis’s show on HBO without obsessing on his stature. I simply saw him for what he is…an Ewok.

I can’t explain why, but since childhood something about the labored gate and unique proportions of little people has filled me with paralyzing fright. That fear was further nurtured as an undergrad. One of the sororities on campus had a “little person” member. You can imagine the drunken debauchery when she attended parties. Rather than taking it in stride and being the bigger person (oh, yes I did just type that!) she would intimidate and bully anyone naïve enough to look her way. This behavior earned her the knick-name “Gidget the Mean Midget.” I’m a sloppy drunk. I was absolutely terrified that she’d catch me looking her way and then pounce on me like a ferocious Honey Badger. Again I say, DON’T LAUGH PEOPLE – I’M BEARING MY SOLE HERE.

In 2006 I stumbled upon the most curious of all reality TV shows. It was called “Little People, Big World.” It showcased the trials and tribulations of Oregon’s Rolloff family – a married couple of “little people” who were raising three biological children; two “regular” sized and one “little.” It was an instant addiction. I couldn’t stop watching it. And thanks to the power of “Video-on-Demand” I didn’t have to. I think I watched an entire season during a single weekend caring for my infant daughter.

Psychology has a term called “Flooding,” a form of behavior therapy based on the principles of respondent conditioning. Unknowingly I was conducting a self-guided treatment program. The more I watched the more my opinions changing. What started as juvenile intrigue became genuine human-interest. These were hard-working Americans dealing with the same issues of parenting and household finance that I encountered.  I came to respect and admire their fortitude. I genuinely have a new-found respect for the plight of little people and the importance of ADA building codes. Thanks TLC.

(OK – you can laugh now. As long as you laugh “with me” and not “at me” it’s ok to make light of awkward social interactions).

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

EDITED 11/26 10:00 PM: ...When I orignally listed my "twenty questions" this was in the top 3. I deleted it because I thought it too crass. After careful consideration I decided it would be out of character NOT to include it. Here's your moment of Zen...Turns out it was too crass. Mea Culpa

THANKS AND GIVING

WARNING: I may get sweet, compassionate and sentimental. Anyone looking for the snarky A2GastroBoy needs to turn away….but be sure to come back… I have a few DOOZIES cued up for the post Turducken blog season. Until then let’s pretend I have a heart.

It’s time. Time to start planning for Thanksgiving. This year I’m feeling particularly Thankful. I just returned from a reunion of sorts. There were three generations from three friendly families, the eldest all having meet over 57 years ago as teenage camp counselors. Every two years our ever-growing tribe convenes at a quasi-rustic lodge in Grand Bend, Ontario. For one long weekend we eat, drink, play games and most importantly, enjoy one another’s company. It’s pretty damn perfect.  It was also Remembrance Day in Canada.

As I drove home across the Blue Water Bridge, blissed out and full, I became reflective. That lead to the realization that Thanksgiving is a week away. It’s my favorite holiday. First of all, it’s secular (remember, I have a mixed marriage). No religious dogma to take for a walk. Then there’s the food. It’s a license to gorge. But most importantly, it’s the one time a year where I can openly appreciate my life without superficial pretense. I’m a blessed man. Life is pretty damn good.

At some point in my journey towards maturity I came to appreciate that it’s incumbent upon all of us to make the world a better place (I know, grandiose, right?). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not selling the convertible or changing my name to Yusuf Islam. I am however, making a conscious decision to have an impact. In an effort to spread the word and inspire good deeds I thought I’d dedicate this post to constructive acts of kindness. The following is a series of actions we can all do to help make the world a better place. In keeping with my Gastronomic theme, these are, for the most part, food-oriented pursuits.  

Support Economic Development

CONTRIBUTE TO A KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN      A bit over a year ago one of my good friends mentioned his Kickstarter habit. Every weeks or so he'd log-on to Kickstarter and randomly give away twenty bucks. To him the monetary value was inconsiquential, but the joy he took in "paying it forward" was tremendous. Almost immedaitely afterwards I learned of a campaign for the Tilian Farm Development Center. I immediately signed-up.  My contribution, along with the generous giving of many others gave the farm enough money to purchase essential tools.

BOOTY: What my friend hadn't originally explained was that most campaigns include prizes. Just like a Public Radio capaign, each level of giving is rewarded with a material token of appreciation. From Tilian I scored a killer t-shirt. Good Karma AND swag. I was hooked.

In the time since I've helped fund two of Mark's Carts (Lunch Room, Beet Box), Bona Sera, #9 Hambuegers, the soon to open Wafel Shop and a host of other technologically and artisticaly oriented ventures.  I’ve helped literally a dozen folks make their dreams a reality. It's addictive. Consider it your own personal stimulus program. If you haven’t already, register with Kickstarter or Indigogo (or both!) and start giving.

JOIN A CSA    I’m not going to get on my soap-box for CSAs. I’ll simply say that there are many constructive reasons for joining. I’ll also acknowledge that there are equally as many valid and practical excuses for NOT joining. Get over it. Just do it. There are over 30 fabulous options in the Washtenaw Foodplain ranging from seasonal vegetables (MANY!) to heritage breed meets (Bending Sickle) to fully prepared meals (Harvest Kitchen). Take part in the food chain and join today.

VISIT SELMA     Still on the fence about CSAs? How about breakfast? Everyone’s gotta eat, right? If you’re not ready to take the plunge and buy a CSA share at least spend $15 bucks once a month having breakfast at Selma. For those of you living under a rock, Selma is Ann Arbor’s very own “completely volunteer local-foods weekly breakfast party.” All proceeds become a source of funding for building new local-foods infrastructure through loans for hoop houses, affiliations with other community non-profits, and support for the Tilian Farm Development Center. Check it out at www.selmacafe.org.

BUY LOCAL      Have you heard the term think globally, act locally? Nowhere is that idea more commercially impactful than in the procurement of food. Whether or not you join a CSA you have the power to support our local community by dedicating yourself to shopping locally. And don't misinterpret my message - I am NOT advocating that we all join the local Co-Op – I have ZERO tolerance for patchouli. Start with one category of provisions. Goto Sparrow or Knights for all of your meat. Still too much work? There are "mass market" options. Instead of Kroger go to Busch's. If you just need a few things make an effort to shop at the Produce Station, Arbor Farms or Plum (bring extra cash if you’re going to Plum). Even going to Meijer supports Michigan more than Kroger. Keep it local People.

PARTICIPATE IN SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY    You know what Black Friday is, Right? And Cyber Monday? Well now there’s Small Business Saturday. Kudos to the folks at American Express for cooking up this one. They’re doing their part to promote small businesses by marketing the concept of shopping at small, locally-owned businesses on the Saturday following Thanksgiving.

Last year I made it my mission to visit Kerrytown with a pocket full of cash. I went to 16 Hands, Found, Hollander’s and Mud Puddles.  I discovered treasures that no big-box chain could ever replicate. Then I strolled through the arch of Heavenly Metals and had an amazing visit with Vicki the shops owner that may or may not have included Bourbon. It was a RIOT! Not only did I support local shops, I came home with bags full of unique, charming holiday gifts. I challenge you to do the same.

• Added note, while I appreciate Amex for instigating Small Busniess Saturday, I also challenge you to use cash. Merchant fees for small businesses are a bitch! 

Be Charitable

This one gives me pause. I was raised to perform acts of charity in anonymous humility. Candidly, I was raised to do a lot anonymously. But my therapy sessionas aren’t the issue at hand…Having just lived through a predominantly “philosophical” election season it’s appropriate to discuss the ideology of public service. Extremists from the right would argue that our society is burdened by free-loading moochers.  Radicals from the left would argue those same "extremists" take pleasure in watching children stave to death. Neither side is correct. We need to find a construcive way to discuss and resolve social challenges.

I don’t really care to start a political debate. You can read Mark Maynard for that. "Having said that," I believe in public assistance. I absolutely, passionately and intellectually believe that good social policy IS ALSO good fiscal policy. At the same time I believe that our government agencies are inefficient and that more of the “public assistance” should be funded and managed by the “private” sector.

In my house charitable giving is a mandate. I set aside a specific percentage of my annual income for what I’ve affectionalty dubbed S.M.Arts….Social programs, Medical research and public Arts. Regardless of your political affiliation, PLEASE do your part and contribute to S.M.Arts. There are tens, if not hundreds of fantastic causes right here in Washtenaw County. Here’s a few simple ways you can have an impact right here in Washtenaw County.

GIVE FOOD    'Food Insecurity' is an awkward term for a serious issue. Donate to a food drive. Need a suggestion…On December 5^th through the 9^th Ann Arbor 107.1 will be conducting their annual Rockin for the Hungry Food Drive. “Volunteers and radio personalities from annarbor's 107one will be "freezin' for a reason" at [Food Gatherer’s] largest annual outdoor food and fund drive. Broadcast live from Kroger on South Maple Road, you can participate by dropping off food or cash donations, purchasing food to donate, or by making a donation at the register of any Washtenaw County Kroger store location.”

GIVE TIME     We’re all busy. Good for you. I don't want to hear about it. Perhaps you’ve heard the adage, “How do you get something done? Ask a busy person.” There’s also the reminder, “Be the change to wish to see.” And finally, in a nod to Nike, "JUST DO IT."  

GIVE MONEY     Perhaps you don’t keep canned food in the house. Or maybe finding time in your busy schedule seems impractical. You can still help. Everyone accepts cash. There are fabulous agencies in Washtenaw doing great work and NOT A ONE is flush with cash. I’ve mentioned Food Gatherer’s. The easiest way to provide a financial donation is by sending a check. I would also encourage you to attend Grill’n their annual fun Raiser. It’s a wonderful way to get out and break bread with your neighbors while at the same time providing desperately needed financial assistance. 

BOUNS ROUND - Newman's Own      Does all that talk of charity still sound like work? Well here’s a totally low-impact way to do good….Have you seen Paul Newman’s face on spaghetti jars? How about Salad Dressing, Salsa, Wine, Frozen Pizza or popcorn? Before celebrity faces flooded the grocery isles actor Paul Newman created this line of products with the sole purpose of giving back. Over the last 30 years his foundation has given over $330 MILLION to charities. Even if “locavoire” sounds like a hipster affliction, why would you EVER buy Ragu when you can buy similar, if not superior products from Newman?

Be Kind and Give Thanks

Finally, let’s take a minute to appreciate our fellow man. You rock. There is nothing more rewarding than an unexpected, hand-written thank you note (the key word is unexpected! Shallow thanks written in haste as a gesture of social protocol are nothing more than junk mail). In keeping with the Gastronomic theme, here are two very effective ways of making the world a better place through gestures of thanks. 

TIPPING    A few years ago one of my mentor’s made a New Years Resolution to “over tip.” In many cases he doubled the standard tip. Valets got ten bucks. Hotel House keeping staffer got $5 per night (that’s right, you should tip the house keeping staff!). He was amazed at the response. This inconsequential change to his tipping amount instantly made him the ambassador of Quan. It was inspired. I was jealous. Luckily, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let’s all over tip. And speaking of tips…

Lately I’ve started splitting entrées with my wife. It occurred to me that it reduces our check total, thereby reducing the traditional formula for calculating tips. I started an OCD meditation on the issue of tipping waiters. Why do we tip based on a percent?  Why not a flat fee for service?  Follow me…

If I go to the Roadhouse and spend $40 per person, and I subscribe to the 20% rule, the waiter get’s $8 per person. If I decide to eat light and drink less and the check comes to $20 per person and the tip is reduced to $4 per person. Did I spend less time at the table? Did the waiter work less? Hell no. Will the extra $4 per person create a hardship on my finances? Again, HELL no.

As of today I am starting a campaign to change the social norm for tipping. Waiters should get a minimum flat fee; casual dining service is $5 per head. Finer dining is $10. Remember, this is a minimum. If you go hog-wild and spend more than $50 per person keep the meter running. Round-up in increments of $10. From here on out, anyone who uses a decimal point to calculate the tip is an uncouth tight-ass.

Credit to Bona Sera 'Super' Supper ClubHAVE A DINNER PARTY    You don’t need a reason to break bread with your fellow man. There’s no act more generous than feeding someone. Make this a homework assignment. In the next month invite four people to dinner. You’ll be amazed at the result.

Special Shout-Out to to Mrs. GastroBoy: I’ll finish this post with a proud story. I wish I could take credit but the credit is all hers. As you know, we eat out a LOT. Probably more than we should.  But who cares. Anywho… there’s one restaurant that we frequent most. Over time we’ve come well acquainted with the staff.  And with a subset of these folks we've crossed the line from “customer” to friends.

Here’s the rub. While we’re out and enjoying ourselves, our friends are working. Every time we get into a meaningful conversation another table requires their attention. It’s an occupational hazard.

Inspiration strikes…It just so happens that said restaurant is closed one day a week. Mrs. GastroBoy decided to use the down day to host a dinner party for the restaurant’s staff. Finally, we could share one another’s company without stopping to water the mouth-breathers at table nine. One sunny night this past July we hosted a gaggle of folks form said restaurant. It was a RIOT. We ate. We drank, AND drank. We laughed our asses off. We had a perfect evening. It was one of my favorite meals of the season.

Let that be an inspiration to us all. Who will you invite to dinner? Ciao!

ANNAUL RESTAURANT SURVEY

Ahhh tradition. For my newer readers let me explain that A2GastroBoy started in the winter of 2010-11 as a research project. To substantiate a friends business plan, and to validate my own hypothesis, I set-out to conduct a survey on local dining habits. I created a Survey Monkey acount, drafted the survey and started spamming everyone I knew. There was no professional insights wonk to edit the questions, no objective screening mechanism, just good 'ol grass roots canvasing.   

No shockingly, folks were willing to give their two cents. What I did expect, however, was that so many of the survey respondents would request a copy of the results. Always willing to oblidge, I created a web site to post the results. The whole process inspired me to post more content....and a legend is born. 

For purely academic pleasures, I've decided to make the survey an annual tradition. Every fall, after we fulfill our civic duty by voting in general elections I ask folks to fillout one more ballot. It's that simple. In January I'll name the new 2012-13 Restaurant of the Year along with a basic run-down of survey results.

ACTION REQUIRED: While all of this is charming and nice, none of it works without you. We need your help. Please support our quest for knowledge by clicking on the survey link below. After you complete the quick survey e-mail that same link to five of your neighbors. Then come back in January to see the results. Thanks!

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE SURVEY

PS:If you're curious, you can find the 2010 and 2011 survey results by clicking the links below (if you do, please be sure to hit the back arrow afterwards and click the link to this years survey form). 

• 2011 Survey Results
• 2010 Survey Results 

DOG FIGHT

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; A lesson in Gastro Tourism.

You know GastroBoy. You know I travel. As a business traveler and avid diner I dream of quality gastronomic destinations. Unfortunately, it’s more often a dream than a reality. For every meeting in Southern Cal there's four trips to suburban Iowa. Bleh. 

You can imagine my excitement when I recently learned that I'd be in New York City for two days. Now imagine my equally stunning disappointment when I learned there wouldn't be time for a propper meal. Flight schedules and evening commitments would force us to grab food on the run. Scandalous!

Determined to expereince at least one Gastronomic landmark in NYC I found a small hole in the schedule; ninty minutes mid-day in the lower east Villlage.  It was fate. Literally days before, a reader reccommended a Hot Dog Joint called Crif Dog. Where is Crif Dog? That’s right, the East Village. A perfect afternoon snack.

Doing research I quickly learned of another noteworth dog joint just a few blocks west (Japadog). Now things were getting exciting. I would use my scarse free time to sample two seemingly polar, still highly regarded weiner temples. To motivate my travel companion I quickly cooked up a theme, referring to our outing as a "DOG FIGHT." It worked. Within minutes we were marching down the street like protesters pursuing a moral imperative.

FIRST STOP: CRIF DOG

You need to appreciate that the Lower East Side was once a working-class Jewish neighborhood. In recent history however, the East Village was invaded by Hipsters. They brought new galleries, shops and bars. Unfortunately, true hipsters are like nomads or Irish Gypsies. As soon as anyone discovers their encampment they move on. The East Village hipsters are in the process of existing, many seeking refuge in the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn. In their wake, East Village is experiencing a phenomena we refer to as “post-hipster gentrification.” It takes a keen eye, but skilled sociologists will recognize that what presents as unique and charming is actually over-engineered commercial-irony. Welcome to Crif Dog.

Exhibit A: Just inside Crift Dog you'll notice a wooden accordian door that appears to be an old phone booth. Once explored you'll find it's actually a false front leading to thee stairway entrance of an intentionally un-named "speakeasy." Cleaver, but a bit contrived for my taste. That speaks volumes for my experience; cleaver, but a bit short of the genuine article. 

Exhibit B:  Drinks menu…PBR on tap, RC Cola and Diet Rite. Really? REALLY? All three cultural Icons remain in brand only, long since sold-off, reformulated and mass distributed by tier-two beverage companies exploiting the retro-chic movement. It smacks of ”trying too hard.”

FOOD      At first glance the menu is fairly creative. Choosing just one dog was a challenge, but I knew we had a second stop. Ultimately I ordered the Chihuahua Dog – a bacon wrapped dog served with Avocado and Sour Cream.  The bun was room temperature, and on the brink of stale. The Dog was underwhelming and overly-deep-fried. The bacon was beyond crisp.  The sour cream and avocado was an interesting combo, but when joined with the dog and bun they made for an in-cohesive bite.  My buddy tried the ‘Good Morning Dog’, a bacon-wrapped dog covered with melted cheese and a fried egg.  It too under delivered on the dream.

Chihuahua DogGood Morning Dog

In yet another attempt to be too-cool-for-school Crif offers tots, not fries, to accompany their dogs. It’s a choice quickly spreading the nation (see WURST BAR).  And while I love the idea, Crif’s execution was a downer. Clearly from a freezer and not made in-house, they were relatively tasteless and dripping in oil.

VERDICT: Meh… Crif Dog is a great “joint.” I can imagine it would be amazing around 2:00 AM. At 2:00 PM, it lacks substance. If you’re out in a group it would definitely make for good conversation. If you’re looking for the best dogs in New York keep on moving.

NEXT STOP: JAPADOG 

The Crif Dog experience left me cautious. I was suspicious of falling pray to another gimmick. My apprehension intensified when we found JapaDog. Before you even enter the restaurant you're greeted with a giant "Wall of Fame." The front entrance is plasterred with immaterial press accolades and celebrity photos. Justin Bieber and Anthony Bourdain eating at JapDog. While that may impress some, I don’t trust the partnership of Celebrity and food. The two have only recently met and their young courtship often result in heartburn (remember Rick Bayless pitching Burger King?!??!).  

Prepare for an immediate mood change… Japadog allays all fear from the first step inside. 

Backstory:  Before I go on I think it’s important to know the history of Japdog. Essentially a young Japanese couple migrates to Vancouver, BC with nothing more than a dream. In short order they turn a hot dog cart into a local institution. Everything is made from scratch. They order custom blends of meat for their dogs. The buns are self-defining. While the format is Hot Dog Stand, the flavors are entirely Japanese.  In 2011 they decide to make the quantum jump from 5 carts in Vancouver to an actual storefront.  If that wasn’t significant enough, they choose New York City, 3,000 miles away as the home of their first store; pretty ambitious.  Was it justified? Me thinks so…

Terimayo DogFrom the moment you confront the menu you realize you’re in for something different. Japadog offers eight versions of the hot dogs….and I’m not talking about toppings, I’m talking about custom blends of sausage. Beef, Pork, Turkey, Three Cheese, Edamame, Veggie, Arabiki (a sausage made from coarse ground pork) and Kurobuta (kurobuta pork sausage). Once you come to terms with that selection you have to choose from one of their original and impressive topping combination.

After a long debate I landed on the Terimayo (Teriyaki sauce, mayo and seaweed) on a Kurobuta Dog. I can’t thing of an appropriate adjective to describe this dog. It was Ja-Mazing. I’m a grown man. I’m fairly well traveled. I can’t remember the last time I experienced something so new, unconventional and so delicious. The sausage, and I need to call it sausage, was large and juicy, with a perfectly snappy casing. All of their sausages are cut along the bias like a French bread loaf. The result allows for easier biting. More importantly, though, it allows for the toppings to better mingle with the sausage. The sweet Teriyaki was in perfect harmony with the savory pork. The mayo and seaweed danced in texture against the coarse meat. And finally, the bun. It was a perhaps the best part of the dog – and that’s a high bar to reach. The bun, or roll, was buttered brioche with perfectly textured crust and a light, soft, sweet center. 

Sweet Baby Jesus!

But wait – there’s more. Japadog pairs their hot dogs with “Shaked Fried.” Essentially this is a fresh cut Yukon gold French fry placed in a wax bags, sprinkled with your choice of seasoning and shaken to distribute the seasoning. Again, the flavor choices are paralyzing in their multiple appeal (Curry, Black Pepper, Wasabi, Aonori, Teriyaki, Shichimi & Garlic and Butter & Shoyu). I’m a wasabi fan so this choice was fairly easy. The result was fantastic. It’s simplicity made me wonder why more folks don’t get creative with French fry flavoring.  I was

VERDICT: Almost in unison my buddy and I acknowledged how happy we were that Japadog was our second stop. Following this meal with Crif Dog would have been a disastrous let down. There was not contest. Japadog handily won the DOG FIGHT. And then just like that, we hailed a cab and left for LaGuardia. Forty minutes later I was sipping a Bloody Mary at the Delta Sky Club trying to imagine how long it would take for Japadog to take over the nation. When I sat down to draft this piece I could still conjur up a flavor memory of Japadog. At the same time, I had to check my notes to remember what I ate at Crif Dog. Enough said.

Do you have an idea for GastroBoy to explore? Click comments and share.

MEAT IS GOOD (the Steak Episode)

What is it about steak, and the arms race for most opulent steak house, that so clearly telegraphs wealth and prosperity? [rhetorical question]. While Hot Dogs may represent ‘Americana,’ steak embodies the ‘American Dream’ and all that is good about Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations.

I recently spent a week in Denver attending a conference. At this conference I was the V-word, ‘vendor.’ That means I spent my time selling: schmoozing, hawking my wares, and most notably, entertaining. And by entertaining I mean, taking high stakes clients to the most impressive dinners my expense account would bear.

As I do with all destinations, I did my homework. Whether the journey is work or pleasure, I always make a point of pre-briefing on notable gastro-landmarks.  In my research on Denver I quickly figured out that Denver has two predominant strengths, beer and steak. I resigned to experience both. And experience I did…

By the time I landed at DTW my gut was full and my liver cried uncle.  I immediately traded suitcases and drove up north for a weekend with friends on Lake Michigan. And guess what we did? Grill Steaks. I was drunk on beef. All that meat left Gastroboy, and his lower GI, contemplative.  Here’s what I’ve concluded.

What Makes a Steak Great? (Homework section – scroll down if facts bore you)

USDA Beef Grades     There’s some debate in the beef world over the criteria for grading beef. As it stands today, USDA grades are assigned based on two primary attributes: marbling, or the degree of intramuscular fat, and age of the beast at slaughter. The pinnacle in this construct is assigned the distinction of “Prime.” Only 3% of beef in the US is Prime. The term “Prime” has become an excessively leveraged marketing term to instill an air of superiority. The most common grade is “Choice,” representing about 60% of domestic beef.  All remaining carcasses are spread out across “Select, Standard, Commercial, Utility, Cutter” and most amusingly, “Canner.”

Cut (to bone or not to bone)     Let’s face it – we’re all in pursuit of the loins. [insert snarky comment here] From there personal preference reigns supreme. The most tender strip of steaks come from the short loin. Moving backwards on the beast you’ll find what some would argue are the more flavorful sirloins. That’s where you get the “tri-tip.” The tenderloin is a small stretch of the most tender beef running the length of both. My favorite, albeit producing more food than one man reasonably requires, is a bone-in Porterhouse, including a strip of short loin on one side, and the filet of tenderloin on the other.

Dry Aging     When I was younger I found aging to be a confounding component of steak house lore. I was imprinted with the foundational principle that “fresher is better.” Why would high-end meat houses brag about letting beef hang in a cooler for weeks? Wouldn’t it rot? No. What I’ve since learned is that it when done correctly this aging process creates a magical transformation in flavor. Dry aging allows for excess moisture to evaporate, rendering the remaining protein more concentrated in flavor. In the absence of moisture more subtle flavors shine through, often perceived as ‘nutty’ or ‘grassy.’

Cooking Method     Simply put: It’s a shame if there’s no flame. Enough said.

Buttering     Here’s another curious point. Many well respected chefs insist on topping freshly cooked steaks with a tab of butter.  I’ve been told that it allows the steak to retain moisture in the brief interlude between cooking and consumption.  If it were butter alone I might me compelled to accept the idea. Butter is, in most cases, derived from the fat of the same beast. Here’s my problem. Many chefs get “Frenchy” with it and add herbs to the butter. These herbs dramatically impact the flavor of the beef. From my perspective, buttering is more often than not, a gimmick.

Sauce     Now for a real debate. IN MY OPINION all great chefs fall into one of two camps…

• French Inspired: It’s all about the flavor that you create. Technique reigns supreme and ingredients are combined in complex detail.
• Italian (or Mediterranean) Inspired: It’s all about the natural flavor within. Simplicity reigns supreme and individual ingredients are highlighted.

I’m genealogically and gastronomically Italian. As such, I have never understood the fascination with steak sauce. Why would you work so hard to nurture a perfect steak and then smother it in foreign flavor? Perhaps you’re masking an imperfection? 

I’ve softened with age and come to tolerate, even admire some steak companions.  Here’s four classic options. 

• Béarnaise Sauce: clarified butter emulsified in egg yolks and flavored with herbs
• Au Poivre / Peppercorn Sauces: heavy cream, congnac and or Dijon, and of course, black pepper
• Brown Sauces: This is the A-1, Lea & Perrins crowd, markedly strong in their savory nature. The most common varieties share a base of tomato, vinegar and fish
• Mushroom Sauces: I’m not sure who or how mushrooms became paired with beef, but I’m a fan. I much prefer freshly sautéed whole-fruit portabellas to a sauce. Still, the sauces persist.

What Makes A Great Steak House?

This is simple… The blueprint for a successful steak menu is well established. Quality steak is a prerequisite. A basic selection of cuts and well-prepared side dishes will easily accommodate most diners. The truly differentiating attributes that separate men from boys  (or women from girls) are service and decor.

Service     If you’ve never waited tables you’re missing out on one of the most compelling perspectives on humanity. And few customers are more demanding in their pre-established bias than steak customers. A truly remarkable steak house waiter can simultaneously appease a connoisseur while politely training a novice diner without the slightest air of patronizing or arrogance. It’s a delicate dance. I tip my hate to those who master the art.

NOTE: I have one beef with Steak House service; explaining the individual cuts to unenlightened diners is a horribly cumbersome necessary evil. At a recent dinner, the otherwise perfect waiter rambled though his rehearsed spiel with such boredom that he could have been advising Cedar Point Coaster riders to keep hands and feet within the car. I was embarrassed for him. Can someone please figure out how to make this experience more endurable?

Décor     Steak culture is by nature, masculine. From a naturalists standpoint it’s Cowboys and Cattlemen; tough, rugged Men’s Men exerting their strength over the species. On a commercial plane, it’s the quintessential “Boy’s Club;” powerful barons of industry communing over the spoils of their wealth. Dining rooms celebrate this power. Dark, rich paneled wood adorned with polished flourishes of victory. Before big screen TVs, the steak house was the original Man Cave. If you don’t feel humbled, the room isn’t finished. There’s an arms race in the Steak world to create the most opulent dining environment. My personal favorite is Prime in the Las Vegas Bellagio. Admittedly, more stylishly refined than the traditional Mahogany and Brass, and not in the least rugged, it’s a truly luxurious lair. I get randy just thinking about it.

Prime Steakhouse - Las Vegas

Chains     Here’s a curious thought…Chain restaurants have a diminished value in the culinary world. They lack authenticity. Still, in steak a few gold standards have succeeded in franchising their brand without tarnishing their cache. Is this a short lived anomaly that will expire as the dining public evolves or have these brands discovered the commercial antidote? Ruth’s Chris is clearly inferior. I’m specifically thinking of Morton’s and the Capital Grille. What’cha think? 

Steak in A2 

Ann Arbor has two amazing Steak houses. Their execution of the concept however, could not be more polar. Here’s my take. What’s yours?

Knights: I have to start with Knights, the more senior establishment (pun intended). Knight’s opened in 1984 as an expansion of the local’s favorite butcher shop. When I moved to town I heard legend of Knights. The stories bordered on mythical.  Since that time I've made many trips to Knights. I’ve come to relish the institution. And while there’s much to tell, I’d like to start with a few tales about their bar. While many steakhouses become famous for their wine cellars, Knight’s is known for their cocktails. Understand, I’m not talking about the recent mixology crowd – I’m talking about strong men and stronger women draining the well with such fortitude they make Don Draper look like a pansy.

Bar Story #1: My company employs folks around the country.  It’s common for us to host a group of out-of-towners. During one such hosting event I was invited to join another department’s dinner. You should know, I consider myself a local ambassador. I enjoy showing guests around. To that end, I was bothered to learn the group was going to Knights. What? No offence to Knights, but if I want to show-off Ann Arbor I am NOT dragging folks across town so they can see Maple Village.

When I challenged the choice of restaurants I learned that it was an imperative. Tales of Knights generous pour had long been common with this team. In the spirit of work-hard, play-hard, this group likes to get their drink on. Red Meat and gimlets were lifetimes more appealing than parading around hipsters on Main Street. This is also a fiscally conscious team and they’d determined that Knight’s offered the best food-to-buzz value in town. I was allowed to join with on condition, I didn't "puss out" and order wine. Charming.

Bar Story #2: On an entirely separate occasion I was sharing Knight’s stories with some friends. A woman in the group proudly proclaimed, “I know I have to put on my big-girl pants when I order a drink at Knights.” This statement is endlessly more endearing knowing that same woman is an elementary school teacher.

 Do you have a picture in your head yet? Let me add color. The dining room at Knights reminds me of the 80’s – a mix between a Ponderosa Steakhouse and the Regal Beagle (a “Three’s Company” Reference for the younger readers).  Steaks are served on pewter platters and sides come on cafeteria grade china. The salad is iceberg and the bread is soft. While Smoking’s been banned for years, you can imagine the smell with nostalgia. There is not a single air of pretense in this place. And therein lies the glory. There is nothing more authentic than Knights.

And the steak? Sublime! There is no one better to take care in serving your steak than the hard working family of a butcher. If you want sauce you’re going to get a bottle. Not a tureen. And to accompany the steak? All entrees include choice of potato, choice of soup or salad, fresh vegetable of the day, and house bread. If you don’t leave full it’s not Knight’s fault.

Final Advice: Get ready to wait. The word is out. Even on weeknights when Main Street is a ghost town there’s a line at Knights. The Blue Hairs start showing up around four and the crowds last till nine. And while you’re waiting don’t get distracted. Knight’s waits for no-one. If your name is called and you don’t respond they move on, simple as that. Not even Mother nature stops Knights. After a horrific spring flood I stopped in at Knights for a week-day Daddy-daughter date. There was an inch of water rushing in through the west side of the dining room. A wet-dry vac and fifty feet of extension cords wrapped though the waiting area. As I stood at the host stand assessing the situation an elderly woman with a walker told me to, “put my name in or beat it. I’m trying to get through.” I LOVE KNIGHTS.

Chop House: You’ve got to respect our friends at Main Street Ventures. Nothing says success like fine art and wine lockers. While “The Chop House” has yet to establish the same national recognition of brands like Morton’s, I relish in Ann Arbor pride driving through Annapolis and finding on of their growing number of sister restaurants – each equally as refined.

The Chop House is a Nouveau Steak House.  By that I mean, they subscribe to the ala carte menu philosophy. Cuts are highlighted as individual masterpieces and sides are presented separately. As a restaurateur, it’s a brilliant tool for building check averages. As a diner it’s a great way to sample multiple sides.  Everything, and I mean everything, is superb. I am particularly fond of their Cheddar Au Gratin Potato’s.

The Chop House also offers tremendous seafood options without overtly indulging the cliché “Surf & Turf” motif. Oysters and filets are flown-in fresh. Lobster is presented with care allowing diners to enjoy without fear of donning a bib.  

Technology Note: It’s worth noting that the Chop House is now using the Menuvative tablet menu system. This was not used at my last visit. I have not experienced it. I’m curious to hear what others think.

Service: Again, major respect for the team at Main Street Ventures. While I still have emotional scars from when they forced diners to relocate downstairs for dessert, they have matured into a staple of local luxury. The servers are professional steward of pleasure; polite, educated and masterful at anticipating the needs of their guests. Bravo.

Final Note: I miss the Chef’s Table. After some ten years of success the Chop House closed briefly for some design refreshing. One of the changes was the removal of their Chef’s Table in the front left window. It was replaced with a larger Chef’s Table in the front right window. While this accommodates larger groups, the table is too large for the space. It makes for a less intimate meal and awkward passage around the table. I miss the original.

POST SCRIPT     I can’t talk about steak houses without sharing my tale of the 48 oz. Club. In 2003 my respectably carnivorous father-in-law learned that Shulas Steak House offers a 48 oz Porterhouse. Those brave enough to order and finish the cut are inducted into the 48 oz Club. Victors earn a commemorative autograph and the pride of having their name displayed in brass. Enough said.  We immediately made plans for the pilgrimage.

For weeks ahead of time I researched strategies for competitive eating. Should I fast, should I gorge? Can I even consider an appetizer? Would alcohol help or hurt?  Should we start with the filet side or strip? Ultimately I went with the water method, drinking gallons of water in the hopes of stretching my stomach and more importantly, keeping my gastro-intestinal track lubricated.

When the big day finally arrived we’d become giddy adolescent boys. Luckily, the staff had seen our kind before and was hospitable enough to play along. 

The 48 oz CarcassUnderstand, cows are only so big. To achieve the requisite weight the butcher simply cuts thicker. The resulting steak rises above the plate like three T-Bones stacked upon one another. It’s an imposing sight.

Now here’s the real shocker. While I’d love to tell a tale of exhaustive, lethargic agony, it simply wasn’t the case. We set a strong pace. Conversation carried the meal so effortlessly that our progress became an afterthought, like sports scores scrolling along the bottom of the screen. When we both finished we stared at each other with equal parts shock and pride. Dessert? Most definitely! Within minutes we polished off a Crème Brule the size of a casserole dish and a chocolate cake large enough to feed a family.

The night ended with photos in the lobby and a high-fives from the staff. On a rare occasion someone drills down to page three or four of my google results and discovers the achievement. It’s a proud moment. A similar search for my brothers yields race times. I’m a competitive eater.  In deed!